Monday, December 31, 2012

NYE 2012 Reflections

New Years Eve is always a time of reflection, contemplation, and looking to the future. You're supposed to reflect on the previous year and make resolutions for how to better the next. You're supposed to stay up late and celebrate with those you're closest to and enjoy each others company as you bring in a new year. You're supposed to hug your friends and kiss your loved one as the ball drops and the next year begins. 

Although I'm definitely contemplating this past year, I'm not surrounded by friends and I don't have someone to kiss. So, instead of enjoying the night like most of you, I decided to write down some thoughts on this past year to try and start 2013 on a better foot than 2012 is ending. 

Two of the biggest things of the year happened within the same week: I re-met my half-brother Scott, who I hadn't seen since I was a kid, and I found out that all of my brothers come from different, anonymous sperm donors rather than from the person I resented calling a father (who none of us resemble in any form or fashion). Most of my family doesn't know this, the parents plan to keep it that way, and if it weren't for the fear that dad's ex-wife would spill the beans at Scott's wedding, I may not have known until dad was senile or dead. 

Although I'm ecstatic that Scott and I could reconnect, and that we have quite a bit in common, that trip, and a lot of this year, was overshadowed by the whole father bullshit. The fact that they would hide such an important part of me for 26 years still pisses me off... and I lost a lot of respect for both parents in the process. Dad and I have never gotten along, but I can barely stand to look at him now. Mom and I used to be really close, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore. I feel lied to and purposefully hurt. 

From that point on, the rest of my year seemed to spiral out of my control. A lot of good still happened, but inside, I felt and still feel like a wreck... but lets go over things that happened besides that: 

Scott got married about a month after we re-met, and his wife is amazing. Hopefully if I move to Chicago for art school, we can continue to get to know each other and grow to be more than just relatives, but family. 

I applied to several big art schools and have been accepted to every single one I've heard back from... and Chicago has even thrown down a nice merit scholarship before seeing my FAFSA. It's my number one choice, so hopefully they are able to provide more financial support to help me move up there and pursue this dream. 

The Art Society at my community college has grown by leaps and bounds. We still struggle to get events attended and fundraisers supported, but we have at least tripled in size from last year when I helped restart it as the first new President... and being elected again this year was an honor. My only real goal with it is to get it to the point where, once this whole senior group leaves, it will be able to support itself next year, and that is looking pretty good right now. 

I had my first kidney stone issue in four years and was able to pass it without hospitalization, surgery, or any sort of medical help. Just took the pills I needed to, drank tons of fluids, and stayed near the bathroom for a night and all went well. Having gone through tons of bullshit on every other kidney stone I've had, this was a huge relief. Hopefully my current diet/lifestyle will keep huge ones from happening again. 

I've started learning Japanese, and although my brain still doesn't like learning new languages (or truly understanding English), I'm making progress. I would love to study over there as one of my summer/winter trips at art school and have pipe-dreams of getting an artist endowment to live there for a year and just immerse myself in their culture, art, and design. 

And the biggest thing right now is that Devi, my boyfriend of a year and a half, left me right before x-mas... we agreed to be friends and although it's rough, we have found out a lot of the problems we started had stemmed from not discussing things enough and misperceptions on both our behalves. Hopefully we can continue to clear things up and get to a point where dating would work, because I love him so much it's insane... but there is also that horrible feeling in my gut that he might be better off without me, my problems, and my family (dad still doesn't know that we dated and mom is terrified of him finding out). I'm holding on to that shed of hope right now, because if it weren't for that, I would be bottoming out. Through so much of this bullshit, he was the rock keeping me anchored and without him I'm scared as hell of what's next. 

I'm sure that there have been a lot of other things that added up to make this year what it was, but these were the landmarks that stick out as what 2012 will mean to me in the future. The world may not have ended on December 21, but with all the stuff that happened this year, and with my break-up on that very day, it kinda seems like it may have anyway (epic melodrama!). 

Although I'm really not in a state to deal with any more shit, I also feel like 2013 can't possibly throw much else at me... but I also felt that way in years past, and it seems like each year can think up something new and horrible. 

So, instead of coming full-force, how about we take it a little easy this year, 2013?

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